extroverted introversion
The Enigma
People love to put themselves and others into neat little boxes. Astrology, MBTI, Enneagram, Attachment Styles, Love Languages, all that kind of stuff. There’s something comforting about it: “Here’s what I am. Here’s what I’m not.” This is my tribe.
But the older I get, the more contrived it feels.
Every year, I get a tinge 🤌 worse at making new connections with people and making friends. Sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction.
On one hand, I want to feel seen and cherished. Be part of a community and contribute to something greater than myself.
On the other hand, I’ve got a knack for being very uncomfortable with that. Have you ever heard a friend or family member say your name and it just felt like… too real? Like putting a name to your existence for a moment there shined a light on you so bright you’ve been blinded. You’re no longer an NPC blurring into the background, but became a primary character a little too much. At the same time though, it’s great to be seen and that’s one of the most fulfilling things there is.
Sometimes I think of this feeling like an “extroverted introversion”…
“Ambivert”?
It just doesn’t paint the picture. I desperately want to be perceived at all times. but also never… and hey, hey, not too much please!
I’ve got cat energy. You ever have cats? They’ll soak up all the love and then when you breathe the wrong way decide enough is enough.
The Manifestation
In the past I would do things like go out to bars and see live music with extroverted intentions, just to sit there quietly like a weirdo instead. Like a prop in the background. Strong drink in hand, living vicariously through vibes alone.
Through that process I made friends with drinks more than I did human beings!
When I was a kid I was shameless on the internet. I lived in Diablo and EverQuest and had a lot of fun socializing and meeting people that way. These days though? I am shy on the internet. I have gone through reverse metamorphosis — I left my butterfly qualities behind and embraced full caterpillarness.
Social media platforms ended up not really being a thing I enjoyed just because it’s too public and feels social in a wrong way. I feel out of place there. Like, hey! I was told this is a Halloween party. Why am I the only one with a costume on?
I think what I appreciate about this medium here — a “blog” (I guess?) is that I’m not tricking anyone to be here or working extensively on maximizing my “online presence”. I can just maybe catalogue my thoughts and projects and creative endeavors and leave it where it lies. People may or may not stop by, and that’s pretty cool.
And whoever you are reading this, you know what? You’re pretty cool too. 😚
Your techno-hermit,
Gentry